Who can I share these thoughts with? Certainly not the tissues.

It seems to me that people last as long in my life as tissues in the rain. I have wondered if it's me. I'll admit, I have attracted and let in the wrong people. I have laid myself out as a doormat.

But I have also put my heart out to people. I have tried so very hard to love them and care for them. I have supported them. When it came to be my turn - I was too troublesome, too whiney, too weepy. The first sign that the relationship is ending is the first fight. Even if it's just a little tiff, it's the beginning of the end. This is my experience.

Before anyone can judge me, I try. I try very hard during the tiff to work out the problem. I try to pick back up where we left off or near there after things have settled. However, by that time, they're done with me and moving out of my life at various rates of speed. Some zip away and drop out of my life faster than a rock in a gravity well and some quietly fade out like a faint imprint under the sun. Either way, I have no sense of permanence in my life.

I don't think I'll ever get married. I don't think I'll ever have a best friend for life. I don't outwardly behave so. People I meet call me personable, if a little emotional and talkative. I have been called angry - but I have a right to be. If you knew the dangerous situations I've been put in and the close calls I've had, you'd be angry too. But I've dropped almost all of my prejudices. However, my prejudice towards relationships is one of the few remaining. Again, I keep it inside for the most part. But time and again, I'm proved right.

People are just like tissues in the rain. They barely last a minute.

When an apology isn't enough for ACCIDENTALLY hitting your face with my slipper - what the hell do you want from me? Ah, I get it. You want to hurt me. A mature person would accept the apology, say that it hurt and don't flip your slippers like that again. Particularly when the person who hit you apologizes. Three effing times. Not once, not shrug it off, apologizes three times.

When you don't accept the apology and instead react with anger and some cursing - the only logical assumption would be you want me to hurt because I ACCIDENTALLY hit you. As if I didn't already feel bad enough for hitting you in the first place. And you wonder why I have no self-esteem.

If that's what you were going for, you win.
Feel better?
No?
Gee, I wonder why.

Next time, talk to me like an adult. Maybe if you hear my side of the story you'll realize it had nothing to do with you. I can't believe I behaved as well as I did all night given the way you were treating me. Personal high score on that one.

Still, you're my friend. I still care about you and love you. So you were Super Bitch tonight, so what. We all have those days, that's what makes us human. If you want to burn the bridge you'll have to light the fire yourself because I'm not going to do that. I stepped up. I put myself out there after all these years of silence, I behaved well, I was friendly, and I tried to engage you. I'm not putting myself out again.

If you want anything to do with me, it's in your hands. I have no idea how you'll feel about no further action on my part, but it's what I have to do for myself. I'm not going to chase down a person who treated me like that. I'm not going to seek you out so I can appease you. I'm a quarter of a century old, I don't have time for needless drama. I have real issues that I have to put my energy into.

This did not need to happen tonight. I'm really sad that it did. I'm sad you felt the need to do that and that you were capable of behaving that way. Maybe it'll be better next time, or maybe we'll just be parting ways from now on. That's up to you.

On this morning 9 years ago, I was in school in Religious Studies class.

My English teacher stepped in and started murmuring animatedly to my Religious Studies teacher. I could hear some of what she said, and at the time I thought it didn't make sense. But actually, there was no nonsense to what she was saying. A plane had crashed into one of the World Trade Center towers. Class resumed once she left, but only to wrap up quickly. My Religious Studies teacher then moved to the TV in the room and addressed us before he turned it on. There had been an accident, a plane seemed to have lost control and crashed into one of the towers a the World Trade Center.

The TV turned on, and we had no idea we'd never look at the world quite the same.

For the rest of the morning, indeed, the rest of the day, each classroom made no attempt at teaching. Instead, each room had a television on and we watched the aftermath as the second tower was hit, people jumped from the towers, the second tower fell, and then the first. New York City filled with that terrible cloud of ash containing god knew how much of which was the remains of humans.

I remember snapping at a fellow classmate who was making fun of a reporter and the reaction of some people. I don't know if he was just trying to cope or he was that much of a heartless, ignorant, dip. I think I cried some, I can't recall. But I do know that I was constantly shocked. Each new development seemed like something out of a horror movie. Something surreal. This had to be one massive cruel joke, and it was, just not the kind where everyone jumped up at the end and said 'gotcha'.

No one knew how to react, we hadn't seen the likes of this kind of violence since Pearl Harbor. A new generation was introduced to a world that reminded them it wasn't always safe. Violence that we thought only existed in other countries could walk up to our door and let itself in. Suddenly, the turbulent and fearsome life in distant countries didn't seem so surreal. There were people out there who had the power, the influence, and the means to hurt others without reason. And they would use their abilities. America had grown too complacent, maybe (and I do mean maybe) too trusting, but certainly far too relaxed. We thought we were untouchable except by what already existed within our own borders. We forgot that those borders could be crossed.

I can't help but think that the high sacrifices of that day and the recession will be, in the long run, good for America. Should we choose to learn from what has happened. But social change is hard. There are many in America who cling to this day and it's terrible event, refusing to ever let go and begin healing. There are many in America who want to get rich quick and maintain the system that has brought us to our knees financially. I believe that I have changed for the better. I know that violence from elsewhere in the world can reach out and touch me. I know that I should not buy a house when I cannot afford to pay the mortgage. I know that it's wrong to deny lump certain people into a group simply because they share the same religion, race, or ethnicity. I know that it's wrong to keep money from anyone who has earned it. I know that America has what it takes to get back on it's feet and run at full speed again.

I know that even in the darkest hours, life will go on. And when it gets dark for the whole nation as it did on 9/11, America draws together and we take care of each other.

My blessings and positive thoughts go out to each person connected to the disaster of 9/11 this day each year. I know it's hard to heal from such a violent event, to have someone you love or know wrenched from you like that or in the aftermath. Every time I see footage of the towers being hit and falling, my heart constricts like it's happening all over again. I hope that some day, each one of you finds peace.

I cannot begin to describe the chaos of yesterday morning.

Suffice to say that residential students took up a fair amount of parking spaces on campus. There are a total of 12 parking lots commuter students can park in and 1 overflow far out from campus.

All. Were. Full.

I was incredibly late to my first class which started at 9:45. I got there around 10:35. It ends at 10:50. Yeah...this has never happened to me before and I was very upset. I was circling and circling-just when I almost had a space, someone cut me off and zoomed in! I was never really at the right place at the right time because there were so many of us trying to find a space so we could get to class. And still more people entered the parking lots to look for spaces! Finally, I went to overflow lot 20. FULL! I was freaking out. I went back to the lots and circled, was cut off, circled, was cut off, circled. Finally I saw a shuttle bus and decided to stalk it so I could park wherever it was picking up from. Finally, I got a parking space in the EXTRA overflow parking lot. Took the shuttle about 5 minutes to drop me off and I finally got to class. I now don't even bother with the regular parking lots or lot 20. I go straight to the extra overflow and shuttle in. I was so pissed off about the residential students being able to do this sort of thing. Clearly, there is not enough parking to meet the demands of the commuter students when residential students come and take those valuable spaces. Personally, I think they should be prevented from parking in the lots until after 5:30 or 6. This is just ridiculous. It's clear that the influx of people returning to school during this crappy economy is affecting the parking populous. Get with it [CENSORED], you're supposed to be a college. A state college at that. I know you can think for yourself and do better.

Everything else went pretty well. Love my professors. Looking into getting into a departmental honors program. Today I have off and it's a perfectly lazy day. However, the day is young and I'm sure some family drama will arise. *Eyes her mother*

Despite my terrible morning yesterday, I really did enjoy being back in classes. Although, I wonder what I'm doing getting a second bachelor's though. Still, I don't know the basics of communications - how else am I going to get them? It'll only be two years and then I can move on to a proper job or master's. :3 I dunno what I'm doing, really. I hope this is the right choice. The job market sure as hell sucks.

I groan mentally.

Inside of my chest is this heavy weight. I hate it when I get like this. When I get so wrapped up in emotions, so overwhelmed that it's like I can't even breathe! Today was not such a good day. I wasted the majority of it - on purpose this time. Shopping for some clothes was a disaster - nothing fit. I've gained a few pounds too many. It was not the blow I needed today. My mom would say that I did it to myself (oh yes, very helpful, Mom) and there is truth to that. Still not what I need to hear. I don't expect to be coddled, but some loving support would be nice. She says she's tired of supporting me - well not so bluntly, but it's quite the same. She supported me through so many dark hours, she's too tired to help me anymore through further, smaller bumps. Makes me feel even worse about myself.

Ugh, there's that suffocation in my chest again. I dread attending classes tomorrow. I really do. I'm afraid I might cry at the drop of the hat, I'm terrified of what people will think of my appearance and age, and I'm concerned that this suffocating feeling won't be gone by the morning when I need to pull myself together. I don't want to pull myself together because I haven't figured out where this feeling exactly comes from. When I analyze the steps that led me here, it doesn't make sense that I should feel this way. Why do I respond with more emotion to these situations, these story lines, and so on than the average person?

I wish...I was much more controlled as an individual. I wish I were more in control of my emotions. I wish I had fewer of them. I loathe feeling this way, it makes me unbearable to be around, I'm sure, because I get stuck in a perpetual whirlpool of these heavy emotions. I can climb out for a time, only to fall back in again later for no apparent reason. I can stop myself from falling back in - an then the unaddressed emotions build up and it's even worse and more illogical. I wish I could wipe my systems clean and start over again. Why aren't I rich enough to get away to some retreat to 'find myself' or at least rebalance my body? I'm sure there would just be other problems in my life, but I hate dealing with these problems, because I can't deal with it by myself. I loathe myself too much to give up the support needed, really. I feel like there's another reason, perhaps it's because I'm a very social creature AND look outwards for validation on everything straight down to my thoughts? However, I'm not sure anyone else cares to help me out with this, unless I'm paying for their time. Don't get me wrong, had two great therapists out of the handful I saw, but I'd rather find that validation from someone I'm not paying to listen to me. :S

Well....this has been quite a rant. Sorry about that.

This is actually old news, but....

I'm highly saddened by the fact that manga publishers have pushed harder against scantilators. I understand why, they lose money if they can't get anyone to buy their books. However, I do not like having so many books in long series cluttering up my home. I tend to move a lot and it's hard to pack them up and keep weight down with so many. It also has to end up being a very good series for me to want to re-read it. So, if I buy a series that I haven't ended up liking, I've wasted my money and the small amount of space in my apartment! Libraries don't exactly have entire series for me to borrow and read, and I feel bad sitting in a store reading a manga I don't intend to buy. Frankly, I just don't have that kind of money. :S

What I would pay for, would be e-manga! It'd be cheaper, it wouldn't clutter up my apartment, and the publishers, writers, translators, etc get paid! I'm rather miffed that I'm not finding some of my favorite titles for a Kindle or E-Reader of some kind. Do they get more money by actually publishing the manga in book form - so they don't want to open up to the idea of adding an electronic aspect? I really have no idea what I'm talking about when it comes to this, I just know that I would like to pay for manga, but in the form I want it in. I cannot afford it otherwise, which is why I turned to the online scantilator sites. I'm not big on movies or music, so when I shell out for them, it's a rare expense and I never have the itch to download them illegally. But manga? That's a different story.

Ah well, I know what I did was mostly wrong unless they hadn't been licensed in America yet anyway (which were most of the ones I was reading), but we don't live in a perfect world. The publishers and I will just have to agree to disagree on the value of the e-manga at this stage. :(

Anyway, I did not lose another day today. We did some painting in the apartment that was badly needed. I felt much better about myself today. 

I can't describe how MAD I am at myself!

I don't know if my recent slump has to do with some physical issues combined with the fact that I've been working my butt of before, during, and after my move to a new state or something else. Whatever it is, I lost a day today. I have been increasingly going downhill when it comes to productivity and a desire to move my ass up from the computer. I'm also already sick of living with my parents again...I love them, but living with them is hard. But they have television, they pay for my groceries, the bills for the heating, plumbing, and electric...so it's terribly convenient to live with them. Especially since I'm out of a job right now and headed back to school.

I digress....

Anyway, I didn't do a damn thing today. I got up at 10, got on the computer, and before I knew it, it was 4 in the afternoon! WTF?! Also, suddenly, I'm depressed about going back to school. Where the hell did that come from? I've been anxious for the quarter to start all this time, and now I don't want it? I repeat, WTF?! Perhaps I'm not looking forward to the responsibility, or I'm worried about all the things I have left to do, though it could all be completed in a day. Anyway, I'm not here to analyze. I'm just confused as hell, but instead of trying to figure out why, I'd rather jump forward and get back some energy and leave this anxiety and possible depression behind.

I loathe feeling like this, I really do. And when I feel like this, inevitably, Mom feels suddenly like talking to me and engaging me. Of course, when I want to be social, she's too stressed or in too much pain to chat, and when I want to be alone, THEN she wants to chat and she gets irritated with me for not feeling the same way.

Dear lord, I'm babbling now. I'd better call it a day. Lord knows it's practically over anyway.

 The door is open today for some repairs to the rubber at it's base. The screen door is in it's place and as I sit here the smells breezing in from outside stir something up in me. It's a really nice day out - very cloudy but it's slightly cool and the sun peeks out from time to time. I don't spend enough time outside.
Truth is, I'm a real hermit and homebody, but I get so bored at home because I spend so much time here when I'm not going to classes. I'd like to get out and do more, but I'm so insecure about my weight, appearance, and my personality in general that I turn down offers to hang out more often than not. Now the way to fix this is to get out and exercise and do more, but I get so easily sucked into my homebody habits that it's easier to stay than to go and do.
It's also incredibly easy to eat. Sinfully easy to eat.
I want to try to get out more, even just for walks. When I go, I tend to get upset when someone sees me. Well, I've had self-hate issues for a long time so why should I think anyone else thinks any better of me? Not that a complete stranger's opinion should matter...really it shouldn't!
So what's holding me back?
The delicious smell of the grass, trees, and fresh air are calling to me. I want to answer! I want to be comfortable with myself!
Damn.

 *Sigh* It's been years.

About three or four years since I've been on LJ. So long, in fact, I have abandoned old e-mails and forgotten my original username on this site. Either that or LJ finally started dumping journals that have been left to rot for a few years. Cluttered internet space, if you ask me.

The one thing that still irritates me about LJ is the inability to use capital letters in your username. Well, you can, but it still all shows up lowercase. :P

I tried some Google blogs, and even Wordpress, but LJ is really comfortable and dressed down. It also has some potential social aspects that the others did not. I feel like I'm ready to blog again for my own pleasure. I'm also interested in poking about the communities on here, again. The old stomping grounds have changed, but it's all for the better. Glad to be back, LJ! Did you miss me?